Freak Out

I just finished reading DietGirl's book. Loved it! It rang true for me in so many ways. I found myself lauging, crying and thinking. I've recently stumbled upon her blog through MizFit's blog. The two are teaming up to do a podcast and I am so looking forward to it. Both these women are amazing.

In DietGirl's (Shauna's) book she refers to fat girl freak outs. When you are morbidly obese (I hate typing that, but it's true) you are fearful of so many things....fitting into airplane seats, chairs breaking, climbing stairs, etc. You get the idea. There are also the emotional freak outs...can I do this, will I keep the weight off, will the cupcake cause me to gain back 100 pounds, etc.

Today was a bit of a freak out day for me. It started this morning by avoiding one of my morning rituals....stepping on the scale. I couldn't do it. Vacation was fun and active, but also included more food than it should have. I did some sort of exercise each day, I made some healthy choices, and some not healthy choices. Somehow the fat girl in me had the crazy notion that the week of being a little off plan would cause me to gain all the weight back. I know...it's not realistic, but that's what part of my brain seemed to think. So, after I avoided the scale it was time to get dressed for work. I was petrified to put on my favorite pair of black work pants. I figured they would no longer fit. Of course they fit perfectly fine. I ate smart all day, work was good, then I hit the OHF gym for a session with Frank. This is where things really went down hill....my body didn't seem to want to work. My balance was off, the weights seemed heavier, I was just not with it. This was frustrating. I love my training sessions, I love giving it my all, this was a challenge tonight. Frank decided to cut it a little short and give my body a little break. We sat down and talked. I attempted to explain my somewhat irrational thoughts.

My weight loss has been such an emotional journey. It's been much more difficult to handle the mental aspects of it than the physical ones on most days. One day I am incredibly proud of my accomplishments and feel good in my skin. Other days I feel like a miserable fat girl. I scared to death of going back where I was. I am going to battle many of these fears and emotions for the rest of my life. I have to find a way to make peace with my body and my mind. I will. I will meet my goals. I will suceed. I will continue to change my body and my life! I will, I will, I will!!!!

I am focused on getting the rest of the weight off (another 40ish pounds....we'll see when I get there). It will take a lot of mental and physical effort to get there. Then it will take just as much to stay there. I'm prepared to do all of it. I will be a success story. I will NOT be in the 95% of people that research shows will give up and regain weight!

After my little freak out with Frank I did some cardio, which felt great, and then ran some errands. I ran into a gym buddy who said, "Wow! You are looking great!" She will never know how much that helped me to hear tonight!!! I needed it.

After that I had a healthy dinner and spent time with my amazing kiddos. I feel better now and look forward to what tomorrow brings....My best friend of over 20 years is arriving tomorrow for nearly a week. I am so excited to see him. We have several days of biking, hitting the gym, siteseeing, etc. planned. It's going to be a blast. He is one of my greatest supporters and inspirations. We've decided that on Friday morning we'll break out the scale and face whatever it says.

Till next time...be happy and healthy!